“Healer of my Heart!”

God of Light, take away the dark of night!

Fill me with your pure delight;

Touch me with your hand.

God of grace, flow into this holy place,

Listen as your children pray: “Take me as I am!”

 

Healer of my heart, Lover of my soul!

Maker of the stars, the earth, the sky,

Come and make me whole!

Savior of the world, my voice is praising you alone.

Healer of my heart, Lover of my Soul!

 

Emmanuel, lead me to deepest well,

Where never-ending love prevails,

Drinking from your cup!

Prince of Peace, forever live inside of me!

Keeper of eternity, O Lord, revive me with your touch!

 

Healer of my heart, Lover of my soul!

Maker of the stars, the earth, the sky,

Come and make me whole!

Savior of the world, my voice is praising you alone.

Healer of my heart, Lover of my Soul!

[Sung by Kevin Inafuku]

Preguntas difíciles...

(Publicado originalmente en inglés en abril 2012)

“¿Mamá?”

“¿Mmmm?”

“¿Por qué se está muriendo Jona?”

Ella estaba sentada a la mesa frente a mí, comiendo una merienda. Miré por encima de la pantalla del laptop y me encontré con esos ojazos azules, más grandes que nunca con esa pregunta. De manera franca y muy tranquila, la vocecita de mi niña de cinco años había captado lo que clamaban todos nuestros corazones...

“Bueno, mi amor, a menudo no sabemos por qué Dios está haciendo lo que está haciendo...”

Su pregunta me había sorprendido. Me mordí el labio, pensando...

“En realidad, nos estamos muriendo todos...”

“¡¿Nos estamos muriendo todos?!” Los ojos, siempre grandes, se hicieron aún más grandes y muy serios.

“Es por el pecado, y por eso Jesús tuvo que morir en la cruz...”

Y llegué solo hasta allí con esta publicación ese 10 de abril del 2011... Las demandas del cuidado paliativo, la falta de sueño, el cuidado de mi bebé de cinco meses y muchas otras demandas me impidieron volver a escribir.

Hay muchos ángulos en la historia, pero la respuesta principal es la que hablé con mi hijita de cinco años esa noche y muchas, muchas veces desde entonces; es la respuesta que desearía haber tenido tiempo y energía para articular en este blog esa noche. Pero, casi un año después (en abril 2012), JM resumió la respuesta en www.jonatorres.com.

¡Te invitamos a leerla, creerla y regocijarte en Cristo!

(“La historia de Dios y la tuya”)

One year ago...

So hard to believe one year has gone by... 💔

I miss you, Daddy...

One year ago this evening DJ and I were enjoying a “Mommy-Son Date” at Burger King, about a fifteen minute walk from home, having just left E at the creative writing workshop she was beginning that evening at the bookstore just two blocks west and south of BK; JM had left early that morning to help with counselor training at the camp on the coast, at least an hour and a half away by bus.

And now I don’t recall exactly when I got the call from JM, telling me that he was leaving camp to come home, that my Daddy was not doing well, that my brother and his family were coming over to our house so we could all wait together for any further updates...

So many details are now a blur... I somehow must have managed to move with relative safety in spite of that daze; I don’t remember what I said or did or if I even told anyone about the lump in my chest cavity, where my heart and stomach were supposed to be, when I picked up E. In fact, I don’t even remember picking her up, but I must have...

Even though we’d known his health had been deteriorating for years and even that he was not feeling very well that day, all this still seemed like a very sudden decline...

He had seemed so well, so happy, at Christmas time...

But we had, right after Christmas, decided to get airline tickets to go see him, knowing his health was continuing a gradual downward spiral and realizing that visit might well be “one last time” to share with him here on this broken Earth...

So many hard memories... 💔

But I will be forever thankful for his moments of consciousness that night, especially when E and DJ and I were able to call and talk to him at the hospital while we waited for JM and D&V and the girls to arrive; to hear Pat tell us that, when he heard our voices, he raised his arm to wave in that characteristic fashion of his when we did video calls; and to be able to choke the tears back enough to sing “Solamente en Cristo” to him and find out he was able to hear and even recognize what we were singing.

I will always be thankful for those moments... ❤

As hard as it was to be so far apart that evening and as hard as the year since has been for me personally, I am comforted knowing that I was (and am) where he wanted me to be, serving here where he poured out over four decades of his life...

And I’m thankful for Eternal Hope! ❤

I miss you...

How can six months have passed both slowly and quickly...?

Eight years ago...

We continue to be thankful, as Jona’s extended family, for you who take a moment to let us know that you not only pause to remember but also to pray – and to let us know that you’re remembering and praying! We appreciate you!

Today a former classmates of Jona’s posted on the family’s fb page:

8 years. It’s amazing how fast time flies.

I remember waking up 8 years ago around 4 in the morning. I couldn’t sleep and checked my phone to see the title of a blog “Jona is home.” My heart wanted to believe he had just made it home after another trip to the hospital, but that wasn’t the “home” being referenced.

If you didn’t know him, his obituary sums up his life as best I can find words to convey through social media:

“On his fifteenth birthday he was diagnosed with osteosarcoma cancer, which God used to demonstrate to thousands of others around the world how much Jona enjoyed the eternal life that the Lord had given him through the gospel of grace. He was a man of prayer and a warrior of the faith.”

I still remember sitting in chapel listening to his testimony through this video. A high schooler, but a young man that will never be forgotten. The memories come back every year, happy and sad, along with the joy of knowing we will see him again one day.

“You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everyone. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.”

(2 Corinthians 3:2-3)

[Thank you, Joseph, for sharing these thoughts...]

Celebrating Life!

This little man, with his extra joyful personality, made a significant difference on a very difficult day, our first to leave Jacksonville to begin our route back to Uruguay, leaving the now-empty armchair in that living room...

God’s grace to our extended family was clearly on display that morning, exactly one month ago today! This precious boy’s contagious smile and joyful clapping helped to heal and fill the void I was so keenly feeling that morning...

So today we especially celebrate the gift he is to our extended family. We love you, S! 💙

#WorldDownSyndromeDay  #CrazySocks  #DownRightAwesome

Recordando...

Hacía pocos días que me había enterado de la partida de mi Papá para la Patria Celestial. Me tocaba ir sola a Identificación Civil para renovar la cédula. ¡Cuánto me costó ese viaje en ómnibus hasta el Centro! Cuántas memorias están representadas por locales en la Avenida 18 de Julio: Tata, el Cambio La Favorita, plazas y restaurantes... Y memorias puntuales, corriendo las palomas en la Plaza Independencia, haciendo compras en los “shops” para turistas, comiendo un pancho en La Pasiva mientras esperábamos el ómnibus interdepartamental en aquellos días cuando la plaza era el largador...

Y sentada en Identificación Civil, esperando la cédula nueva, admirando la agilidad y el profesionalismo con que ahora se hacen trámites allí, me acordaba de las anécdotas que compartía mi Papá de los Años 70, cuando el tema no era nada ágil, y cómo le había costado conseguir la residencia en primera instancia. Por momentos, se me llenaban de lágrimas los ojos... Por momentos me reía sola (¡pero en silencio y con cautela para que nadie pensara que estaba loca del todo!)

De repente, sentí una punzada en el corazón y sufrí lo que me parecía ser casi una crisis de identidad: ¿Quién sería yo si mi Papá no hubiera persistido con todo el drama – a través de esos más de ocho años – que le costó conseguir esos trámites para que residiéramos como familia en el Uruguay? Gran parte de quien soy yo hoy día tiene que ver con quien era este hombre a quien yo he tendio el privilegio de llamar “¡Papá Daddy!”

Y estaré eternamente agradecida por todo lo que fue para mí...

¡Te amo, Papá!

“El Abu” is Home!

DJ made this drawing (at age 3) when we were praying for “el Abu” who was not well then (in mid 2014).

Back then, we titled it: “El Abu, Running!”

E reminded me of the drawing this morning: “And now he is!”

At 4:49 a.m. (EST), he ran to the arms of his Savior...

Christmas Eve 2014

“Prayer for Children”

Father, hear us, we are praying;

Hear the words our hearts are saying.

We are praying for our children.

Keep them from the powers of evil,

From the secret, hidden peril,

From the whirlpool that would suck them,

From the treacherous quicksand pluck them.

From the worldling’s hollow gladness,

From the sting of faithless sadness,

Holy Father, save our children.

Through life’s troubled waters steer them;

Through life’s bitter battle cheer them.

Father, Father, be thou near them.

Read the language of our longing;

Read the wordless pleadings thronging,

Holy Father, for our children.

And wherever they may bide,

Lead them home at eventide.

[Amy Carmichael’s 19th century prayer for children in the Dohnavur Fellowship in India]

We cling to Truth!

Tomorrow, August 10, we would be celebrating Jona’s 24th birthday. This picture was taken nineteen years ago on the day of my Mommy’s memorial service. My little buddy, Jona, didn’t understand all the implications of that day, but his tender little-boy heart knew how to comfort all the same...

[I love you, Buddy, more than ever!]

Adjustment to life without him is long and difficult... We appreciate those who pray for us as we miss him – more than ever! But we rejoice that Jona is in the presence of his Savior, whom he loved and served with joy during the sixteen and two-thirds years he was given here with us. And we look forward – more than ever – to the Day when all wrongs will be right and all tears will be forever wiped away.

Today we cling to Truth!

Remembering... Celebrating Life...

Today is cold and rainy and gray – and rather sad... I’m choosing to celebrate life...

Making guava jam, remembering my Mommy, who taught me far more than canning (and who’d be celebrating her 50th wedding anniversary today).

Also remembering my Grampa and Gramma in-love, who were also proficient at canning many home-grown goods (and who would’ve been celebrating a wedding anniversary yesterday).

And all the seals (on the “recycled” jam jars) resealed! SO thankful!

“Mother’s Day!”

“Mother’s Day!” is one of mixed emotions for me, emotions that (among other things) make me thankful for the blessings that are mine today...

At school on Friday, I especially loved the smiles I got when E and DJ found me in the crowd!

DJ recited a poem from memory with his class – quite a bit more bravely than he did last year! E played the part of a little girl in her class skit and sang with the (newly-founded) school choir.

On Saturday evening E organized her own “Treasure Hunt” for me – with clues that led to further clues and finally to my gifts: a cuddly capybara (which I’d requested) and dark chocolate (which she’d purchased with her own pennies). DJ added a mint chocolate bar to complete the stash!

We tried to get some “good” pictures yesterday... And we ended up with snapshots of real life – which I love!

SO thankful for my family! ♥

DJ is in an especially mischievous stage right now; he loves to tease his favorite girl – in typical boy fashion!

Six years ago...

On April 26, 2011, I wrote:

Weeping for ourselves but rejoicing for Jonatan David Torres who is now singing in his Savior’s presence...

Today we say a brief “Good night!” We will see him and rejoice together forever on That Eternal Morning!

Photo taken on Christmas Eve 2010

The grieving process is difficult. And the ongoing nature of it often takes me by surprise, actually...

We are thankful, as extended family, for you who take a moment to let us know that you not only pause to remember but also to pray – and to let us know that you’re remembering and praying! We appreciate you!

Just this past April 21, one of Jona’s classmates wrote to me:

I wanted to let you know I was praying for your family yesterday. I first heard of Make-A-Wish when Jona was sick, and yesterday I became officially certified to be a Wish Granter. I had a chance to tell a little bit of Jona’s story and what a blessing your family has been, and I wanted to share with you the incredible impact Jona continues to have on my life.

We are thankful beyond words for comforting words like these and, above all, for our Loving Shepherd who faithfully leads us in righteous paths – for his own Name’s sake!

“O God, My Joy!”

O God, my joy, you reign above

In radiant splendor and beauty.

Your Word has drawn my heart to love

The awesome sight of your glory.

Your blazing light and gospel grace

Shine brightly from my Savior’s face.

No other wonder would I see

Than Christ enthroned in his glory!

Sustained by joy in trial and pain,

I trust your wisdom and mercy.

Through suff'ring that your love ordains,

More like Your Son you will make me.

For Christ embraced the cross of shame,

Beholding glorious joys to come.

O give me faith like his to see

That suff’ring lifts me to glory!

Compelled by joy, I fight the sin

That turns my gaze from your glory.

Your Holy Spirit dwells within;

His presence arms me for vict’ry.

Let death and hell against me rise;

Through death I'll gain eternal joys.

All pow'rs of hell will bend the knee

Before my great King of glory!

Words by Paul Keew & Brian Pinner

Music by Paul Keew

© 2008 Watchsong

I love Molly Ijames’ arrangement (published by SoundForth).

#NeverForget

[from JM]

Why not forget? Because we learned too much, at too high a cost. We went into work not remembering there was a sky. We left having seen it—clear, blue, beautiful, and real—but at a hellish cost. We saw reality clearly that moment, that week. We didn’t know we would live another fifteen years, but we knew how we wanted to live them. We knew then. We dare not forget because the price was too high.

Remembering “Dad Wyckoff”

[from JM]

Alaska has lost a grandfather, father, and friend. For us he was a bit of all three. Lyn Wyckoff is now with the Lord.

He was to Deborah like a dad. [“Dad Wyckoff” we called him...] He gave us counsel and showed us much kindness. Most mornings I still wear an Iditarod cap that he saw me admiring, a gift from him.

He loved the cause of making disciples of Jesus around the world. He was another way that God showed many His grace.

“Mother’s Day” Season! ♥

Instead of “Mother’s Day” this year, we seemed to have a season! J

“Mother’s Day” in the USA was a week before ours here; fb informed me of that fact. And I got to feeling nostalgic, missing my Mommy whose love still shines... (I’m so thankful!)

E’s school program was two days before “Mother’s Day”:

Tus manos acarician mis silencios

Cuando lágrimas por mi rostro caen.

Tenerte para mí es un privilegio;

La imagen del AMOR ¡eres tú, Madre!

The late-autumn mid-morning air was quite chilly!

DJ’s school program was five days after “Mother’s Day”:

DJ shyly recited the poem with the rest of the class.

[He’s still not too sure about actually talking at school

(except in his own made-up “sign language”),

so this was a very significant step for him!]

I got to participate, too! J

And E was assistant photographer!

I received many thoughtful, hand-made gifts – the very best kind! ♥

God has been exceedingly good to me – and I’m very thankful!

Her love still shines...

“Mother’s Day” won’t be officially celebrated until next Sunday here in Uruguay. But I’ve been enjoying all the pictures and posts on fb.

So I’ll start this week with a story of my Mommy’s love:

DJ loves to use the bath towel my mom made for friends of our family up in OH as a gift for their first baby. She loved making these for others; she was Dorcas in the 20th Century.

And I’ll be forever grateful to this dear friend who kept it all these years – through two boys (now men!) who loved it and worked to share it – and gave it back to me for my Little People! (Thank-you, Cindy, for such amazing thoughtfulness!)

One day last week after showering DJ, I wrapped him in the towel and sat him on my lap – like he loves! (We call it: “A hug from Grandma who’s already in heaven!”)

And I got to reminiscing about my Mommy...

“She would love you so much...”

“She would be so proud of you and of the fact that you look like Daddy...”

“And of the things you say and do...”

I miss my Mommy so very much – and at the most random moments! But I was feeling especially nostalgic right then. The tears were dangerously close to the surface...

And then DJ said (in that frank and open way of his): “No one loves like you do, Mommy.”

♥ ♥ ♥

(But I had the very best teacher – who taught us all first and foremost by her example!)

Remembering again...

Reposting... Remembering... Grieving... Rejoicing... Rejoicing in certain hope... Longing for Heaven... Thankful for Christ and for how HE shone through Jona’s life...

I ♥ you, Jonatán David Torres – more than ever...

Five years ago about 1000 people attended Jona’s memorial service. This picture, however, was taken almost seventeen years ago, the day of my Mommy’s memorial service. My little buddy, Jona, didn’t understand all the implications of that day, but his tender little-boy heart knew how to comfort all the same...

And a friend’s post from five years ago sums up the evening of Jona’s memorial service...

I attended a most beautiful and touching funeral this evening. Sixteen-year-old Jona basically preached his own funeral via pre-recorded testimonies. The principal, Steve Tompkins, did an excellent job, and God was truly honored. I’m praying for grace for Esteban, Esther and Marcos... God was truly honored and Christians were encouraged to Bow the Knee.

Pensamientos sobre el sufrimiento cristiano

Cristiano, ¿estás sufriendo hoy? Tal vez te encuentras en dolor físico o en las garras de una enfermedad terminal. Tal vez tu sufrimiento es interno, un profundo dolor emocional o una cicatriz interna que nadie puede ver. Quizás tu dolor es una lucha teológica entre la bondad de Dios y el mal que ves en el mundo a diario. Tal vez estés perseguido, avergonzado o encarcelado en oscuridad a causa de tu fe. Existen tantos tipos y niveles diferentes de sufrimiento.

Para algunas cosas no “vale” la pena hacer una comparación (a base de su “valor”). Por ejemplo, no se puede comparar en serio el Diamante Cullinan (con su valor de 400 millones de dólares) con un anillo de “diamante” de caramelo (con su valor de 79 centavos de dólar). De igual manera, la gente no compara en serio una casa de playa, situada en diez acres con vistas al paseo marítimo sobre el Pacífico, con una ficha de plástico verde en un lugar codiciado en el tablero del juego de mesa Monopoly. Hay cosas que no tienen comparación. La gloria de lo que es mayor hace que la comparación parezca ridícula e incluso insultante.

Entonces, ¿qué de nuestro dolor, sufrimiento y angustia? “Considero que los sufrimientos de este tiempo presente no son dignos de ser comparados con la gloria que nos ha de ser revelada” (Romanos 8:18). La intención no es minimizar el dolor que realmente estás experimentando en este momento, sino magnificar la gloria que nos aguarda a todos los creyentes en Cristo. Lo que estás experimentando en este momento “no es digno de ser comparado” a aquello que está por delante. Esto requiere fe, fe en Dios y en sus promesas, fe para seguir mirando hacia adelante hacia aquello que aún no se ve. Hay algo que ya es cierto pero que aún no se ha realizado que ni siquiera se puede comparar (o incluso ser comprendido en este momento) al sufrimiento que experimentas personalmente y observas a diario en este mundo.

“La esperanza que se ve no es esperanza, pues, ¿por qué esperar lo que uno ve? Pero si esperamos lo que no vemos, con paciencia lo aguardamos” (Romanos 8:24-25). Sigue esperando y velando porque ya falta poco y ¡nuestra realidad futura en Cristo no desilusionará!

[Traducción de pensamientos de Steve Hafler]